Everything is Changing — Moving Part 1: Leaving & Fear
On leaving home, choosing uncertainty, and doing it scared.
I’m leaving my family again, with mixed emotions.
I was overwhelmed living with them. I felt limited living with my mom, like I couldn’t do anything by myself. At the same time, I learned so much about them , the good and the bad.
I had a nightmare last night.
Hi, beautiful soul. I know , it’s a lot.
I always wanted to be the cool girl who travels the world and lives abroad. Technically, I am that girl. But it doesn’t feel that cool. It feels scary to do something new. Going to a new country where I don’t speak the language, driving there, living with other people…
I told my partner it feels weird, because we’re bringing our relationship into my new country as well. He’s relocating to the country I’m moving to in two days. It should feel exciting, but it doesn’t.
We met when we were both living abroad in Spain. After our relationship started, we kept moving, again and again. Our relationship lived in the air, on the phone. Now I feel overwhelmed because I need to be with my partner , to be a girlfriend, a real presence. That takes effort. I feel like I needed time in my new life before welcoming him into it.
Yesterday, I talked with a family friend about traveling.
I know it’s a privilege, and sometimes we forget how important that is.
She shared that she needs everything planned with a tour guide and prefers traveling in a group to feel safe. She told me she was nervous about flying tomorrow because of the weather.
I don’t think about that.
All I think about is safety. Will I feel safe in that house, in that city?
I know moving is a big deal for many people. I think it’s sometimes easier for me because I’m neurodivergent. Still, I admit I’m scared , maybe for the first time in a long time. I’m trying to be brave. I’m reminding myself: this is what I dreamed of.
I dreamed of living in Europe again, having a slower pace of life, and writing regularly.
Today I caught myself stalking my favorite writer here on Substack. She gained 10k subscribers in less than four months. Of course, I wanted to understand how she did it. She stayed consistent. She shared her talent. I love her visuals and designs.
At first, I thought, I want to be her. That’s success.
But I was mistaken.
I don’t want numbers.
I want a community. I want to be self employed with my writing somehow (I don’t know how yet).
Success shouldn’t only be about numbers.
At the same time, everything around me says success and a good life equal money or your job title. When you have comfort, it’s easier to say, “Health is first.” I agree, but without basic needs being met, health is fragile too.
Everything is changing. Nineteen year old Zey would be shocked.
But if I could listen to seventeen year old Zey, I’d know exactly what I craved. From 16 to 22, I was vegetarian. From 17 to 19, vegan. In my country, there’s a massive university exam , a system where everyone screams that your life depends on it. I was prepared for two years.
Back then, I used to tell myself: I wish I didn’t have to go to university. I wish I could live in an eco village, in a commune.
I was so different from where I grew up. My dreams were shut down, laughed at, or bullied out of me.
Now, I’m proud.
When I met a 72 year old family friend and saw how he lives, I realized what I craved was possible. Not exactly in his way, he had privileges I didn’t , but the essence was there.
I’m at the airport now. I came early and I’m enjoying a cheap coffee. I wanted to write because this feeling is good and strange at the same time. I have no idea what’s waiting for me, the shitty parts and the amazing parts. I’m excited and terrified at once.
I don’t want this move to hurt me.
I want to stand strong through the challenges.
I want to enjoy the small moments.
Thank you for being here at Writer’s Corner.
Love,
Zey.